...in Texas.
I knew there was a reason I'd avoided this state. I've never seen so many chain restaurants, chain stores, giant buildings, giant highways, or huge trucks in my life. I guess it's all sweetened by being called ma'am every 5 seconds.
(am I a ma'am? what happened to miss? did that leave me right around the time my grey hair became noticeable?)
He* took me to the Bass Pro Shop. I was thinking, "Whatever. Why are we going to a fishing store?" but the girl in me won and kept me quiet while I indulged him in his boy-ness. The giant "OUTDOOR WORLD" sign outside the door interested me, though, being an outdoors-girl, so even I was excited by the time we parked the car in the massive parking lot about a quarter-mile away from the door. (This, by the way, was after he made me drive all along the ginormous "mall" with the biggest Lowe's I've ever seen just to make me understand how big it all was.) We stopped outside for a moment to admire the boats and the windows framed completely in antlers (which I, in my overwhelmed state accidentally called "horns", thus looking like a complete idiot).
Once inside, we walked through the entry way, complete with a living room and fireplace for those not interested in partaking in the magic, I guess. About 30 seconds later, he turned to me and said "Close your mouth." I laughed outloud and the fun began.
First question? "So, at least 100 feet, right?" he said, looking up. I looked up too. Yes. The room was so cavernous, the roof had to be at least 100 feet high.
We checked out the fish under the waterfall. I love fish, being a diver, even freshwater ones. We stared up and looked at the stuffed lions, tigers, bears (oh my!) and every other creature imaginable. I took a photo of the raccoons playing poker inside the tent displayed on the floor. We went to the hunting section to see the guns and found the indoor achery range and indoor gun range (complete with a one day concealed-weapon course -- welcome to not-Massachusetts).
I sat on an ATV for a while. We found a Lazyboy chair upholstered in camoflage which vibrated and recylined and sat in it (he made a dirty comment about the vibration which in the end, I couldn't argue with). I texted a photo of the giant Big Deer Hunter game to my brother and my almost sister-in-law because everywhere they go they play each other on that insipid thing (she usually wins). I fed the amusement parkesque shooting gallery quarters so he, gun shooting expert that he is, could amuse me with the results of direct hits. (You know, like at Canobie Lake when we were kids. Hit the dude in the ass and he plays piano, hit the frying pan and it spins on it's burner.)
We looked over the balcony at the boats and realized that almost every one was more expensive than my car. We wondered about the two dudes pushing a shopping cart, clearly on a mission and what they were going to buy.
I tried to take photos with my phone, but nothing would do this place justice. On the way out, we stopped and asked the very friendly Texan working in this crazy place how many square feet it encompasses. He radioed out to the South 40 and got back this answer: 325,000 sq. feet. (325,000! Seriously!) (For reference, the Fleet Center/TD Banknorth Garden, whatever the hell it's called today, is 755,000 square feet. So this retail store is almost half that.)
After the glory of that, we drove through the rest of this huge complex, which we found out is called The Rim, and saw the rendering for the rest of it, which is under construction. There is already the biggest TJ Maxx, the biggest HomeGoods, the biggest DSW, the biggest I-can't-even-remember-what-else. What the hell else could they be building? You already have to pack a lunch to go to the TJ Maxx, it's so far out in the distance when you enter this place.
And so, I will leave San Antonio finally understading what everyone's been talking about all these years when they say "Everything is bigger in Texas." I am visiting Houston sometime this spring to see my sister and my new neice, and I wonder: could it be any different?
The Alamo was cool, though. And it's confirmed, there's no basement.
*"He?, you're calling me 'he' on your blog? You can't come up with anything more creative than that?"
