Signs on the Side of My Road

I am a woman of cycles. I get a thought or a feeling about something and often, for whatever reason makes sense, I shake it off. Then it comes back, again and again. It takes a while before I listen well enough or the message is loud enough to actually do what the Universe has been trying to tell me. Sometimes I drive by the signs on the side of my road of life without pausing to read what the options are down the side roads. Sometimes the cycles are short and sometimes they are years long. There's at least a dozen examples of this in my life that I could point to where these cycles and messages have played a huge role in how I've made decisions and why.

I'm in a cycle now about something I've been getting messages about for at least 12 years now. Again, in the past month, I can't stop thinking about it again. Remember this post? (Go look and come back. You need it for this story.) Yeah, I didn't really either, until I re-read it last week. I remembered having that whole thing happen, but not the details. (Reason #47 to blog.) I'm working through this again right now, and I've put pieces of what might end up being a plan into place already. I might be really serious this time.

Then, today, I found the handwritten version of what I emailed all my friends and family on January 28, 2001 from Thailand about the culmination of another cycle I'd been in for years as well. (I had pulled out my travel journal to get some notes about Nepal for a student headed there and this fell out this morning.) Here it is in its entirety:

Last July, my good friend Adam and I went out to Block Island, RI for the day. I'd lived there a summer during college and hadn't been back in about 5 years. The second I set foot on the dock I thought "I need to live on an island again - maybe I'll do a year here."

In 1996, my parents took Susan, Stephen and I on a cruise. The minute we landed on St. Thomas, I thought to myself, "I need to live on an island." I told my mother I was moving there after grad school.

I sat with Dr. Susan Komives at the University of Maryland 2 weeks before I graduated and asked if I'd be committing Student Affairs career suicide by taking a year off to move to St. Thomas. Not so much that I was burned out or not interested in S.A., but I kept thinking "I need to live on an island."

Becky and I arrived in Southern Thailand in October and began to visit island after island. Each one, I loved in a different way and I remember saying to Karen & Kelly, my new Vancouver friends, "I have to leave Koh Pha Ngan TODAY or I'm afraid I'll never leave."

I left. I ignored, AGAIN, the big ole sign on the side of my road that said "Stop here. Stay here. Live on an island."

Then I learned to dive. You all know from previous emails how much I have enjoyed learning this new sport and how much I've loved the challenge of it. What's the best place to live on an island and scuba dive? Thailand. Where's the best and cheapest place on the FACE OF THE EARTH to get further diver education? Koh Tao, Thailand. Where can I find a dive shop I already know and am comfy with? Big Blue Diving, Koh Tao.

The last time I looked, the sign on the side of my road said "STOP. STAY. LEARN MORE. BE A DIVEMASTER. HIGHER EDUCATION WILL NOT GO ANYWHERE." Below that sign was a little bitty sign that said (after I got close enough to read it), "Are you crazy?"

Screw that sign. I tore it down. It's gone. The big, noisy sign remains and so will I. I'm staying in Thailand, on Koh Tao, and I'm starting a 4-5 week Divemaster (the first professional level in diving) training. After that, I'll most likely stay here and work for a while (assuming they'll have me). How long? Not sure. 2 months? 3? More? I never know anything. And even when I do - like being SURE I'm going to South America - things change. This message is too loud to ignore.

I'll be back. No worries. They can't possibly pay enough in Thailand to keep me here forever, can they? :) Love & Missing, Karen

That decision was one of the scariest I'd ever made. And it ended up being one of the best. Perhaps THE best decision of my entire life. Imagine me if I'd NOT stayed in Thailand. I can't even do it. Can you?

I don't know yet what my decision will be about Children's Lit. I'm going to an info session (again) in June and I've made some financial move-arounds this week to start more aggressively saving money. I've checked out the lit classes I could take for free at Tufts this fall and next spring as self-imposed pre-reqs. I've done some research into careers (publishing, curriculum development, teaching). I've looked into loan information. I've talked with full-time student friends about how they've swung the finances. If I'm nothing else, I'm thorough.

Lots of people think I'm nuts, I know. I continue to change my pursuits even as I get older. I am seemingly refusing to "settle down" in any way that most people understand that term. I'm not normal. I've known this for a long while. But here's the thing. I still know, with all my being, that I only get one life. One. And I refuse to waste it. I want to do lots of stuff. LOTS. I have so many interests. So many dreams. So many "wouldn't that be amazing" thoughts. Why kill them? I don't care if I ever own a house. I don't care if I ever make lots of money. That gives me a lot of flexibility. I figure that I'll be working until I'm at least 70, so that's 33 more years of work. 33! And up to now, I've worked 13 years. That's only 28% of my projected work-life. So if I've got 72% still to go, I surely could make a change and it wouldn't be insane. And if that change cost some money this time around, so be it. I didn't pay for grad school the first time and mom and dad paid for college (bless them). I've never had a student loan before. There's a first time for everything.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm musing. I'm trying to figure out what this sign on the side of my road says this time. It's not visible yet. But I'm getting there. And this time, I'll surely read the small type too, to see what the caution is. And I'll make a decision. Stay tuned.

I Become Obsessed with the Strangest Things

My new current obsession: Mormon polygamy.

I put Big Love: Season 1 in my Netflix queue a few weeks back at the recommendation of a friend. We were talking about series, and I shared I had watched some United States of Tara and loved it, and tried out The Riches and hated it, and The Wire and couldn't even get through Season 1. She was right about this; this is something different entirely. I fell in love with a bunch of polygamists right away.

Big Love, for those of you not in the know, is about Bill, who was thrown off his Mormon polygamist compound where he grew up when he was 14 (apparently this often happens to young men who show strength or pose a potential threat to the patriarch). He married Barb and practiced regular Mormonism in the LDS church for a while until Barb got sick with cancer and was nursed with the help of Nicki, a daughter of the Prophet of said compound. At this point, it appears Bill decided to break with the LDS church and practice "The Principle," albeit in the regular world instead of a compound, and convinced Barb they should marry Nicki. A few years after that, they all three married Margene. The main concern of those who live The Principle is to create a family on earth who will be bound together for eternity in the afterlife. The men are "priesthood" holders who have the ability to perform holy things (such as baptism) and the women work together to run the family and produce as many children as possible so their family can prosper in the afterlife. What goes down here on Earth is not really as important as the set up for the future after death.

I absolutely love every character on this show. I am currently watching Season 3 (Season 4 is on HBO right now) and at this point, there are 8 kids (three from Barb and Bill's original union, two of Nicki's (and she's secretly preventing more at the point I'm at), and three of Margene's). The two oldest, who are 16 and 18, are very divergent in their own dealing with going from being regular LDS kids to plyg kids halfway through their lives. Sarah, the girl, isn't digging it, while Ben, the boy, was recently given priesthood status by Bill and is all talk about practicing The Principle himself. (Course, this was AFTER he had pre-marital sex with a non-LDS girlfriend and was found out.)

There's all the drama of the compound and the heightened crack-down on polygamist groups going on, and Bill's ongoing contentious relationship with both his parents (still on the compound) and Nicki's father the Prophet and his business dealings at Hendrickson's Home Plus, his Walmart/Lowe's-like stores in Salt Lake. His business partner, Don, is also living The Principle. Since polygamy is illegal, the family has to keep it pretty secret, only taking an occasional very good friend or person into their confidence. At the point I'm at, the entire group is dating Ana, a potential wife number 4.

The actors are great. Jeanne Tripplehorn (Barb), Chloe Svigney (Nicki), and Ginnifer Goodwin (Margene) are perfect in their roles. Bill Paxton (he of Weird Science fame) is pretty good too. Sarah is played by Amanda Seyfried (known best as the daughter in Mama Mia). Sarah's friend Heather is Tina Majorino, the girl with the side pony in Napolean Dynamite. The writing is pretty good, the story lines believable, and although a bit dramatic sometimes when the compound is involved, my guess is that the shit that goes down at those kind of places is probably pretty dramatic.

Ever since I read Under the Banner of Heaven, I've been a little afraid of the Mormons. I'll admit it. I already wonder about the potential for cult-like behavior from strong religious groups, and this one has more rules and such than most. But, the dude that wrote that book, Jon Krakauer, is also suspect (to me) after the hullabaloo surrounding his account of the '96 Everest tragedy in Into Thin Air. So, when I began watching this show, I wasn't sure what I would think.

The friend that recommended it to me knows her religion, and noted that something she really likes about the show is seeing a true depiction of how they practice their beliefs. I have found I really like this too. It's compelling and interesting and it's done respectfully, in a way that makes me appreciate it and wonder for the difficulty of it all rather than be able to write it off as craziness. I dig fictionalized stuff that is clearly based on something real. According to Wikipedia (which you know I love for these bits of info), Mark Olsen and Will Scheffer, who created the show, spent almost three years researching the premise, with the intent of creating a fair portrayal of polygamy in America without being judgmental. In my opinion, they have definitely succeeded.

I find myself wondering how someone chooses this life. Barb doubts it all the time. She wasn't sure she wanted in to begin with, and when she married Bill 18 years ago, thought she was getting into a regular LDS monogamous relationship. But then I watch Nicki, who grew up with something like 37 brothers and sisters and 14 mothers and how clearly she believes in the entire system and what it means for them celestially, and I'm like, "Yeah"! And Margene. Margene who is very young and very fresh and just wonderful. She fell in love with Bill. And she just went for it. And now she loves Nicki and Barb so deeply, she just knows this is where she's supposed to be and accepts it. She wasn't even Mormon before all this. Even Bill, a prominent business man who was invited to the city's leadership council but had to turn it down out of fear of exposure, recognizes that living The Principle means making sacrifices that aren't always easy. But you do it so you can reap the rewards later.

So here I am, totally immersed in this show; this family, really. And I'm reading along, minding my own business in my Entertainment Weekly recently and here's The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall. Two good reviews and one bad review later, and it's in my library queue. I picked it up last week. It's about Golden Richards, who has 4 wives and a load of kids and is relatively uneducated, working construction jobs at far off locations from home and who can't even remotely keep up with his wife-schedule. I am tending to agree with the one bad review I read as it's just not gripping. He's sort of boring and whiny. I'm more taken with one of his sons, 11-year-old Rusty, who features prominently. I'm about halfway through, so maybe it'll redeem itself.

I think I have to search out some nonfiction something about The Principle and learn more about it. I'm just fascinated by this. In the same way I'm fascinated by disaster stories, I think. Like I'm standing on the sidelines of something crazy, taking it all in. But in this case, those in the middle of it don't think it's crazy. Well, that's not true. They do, but they think it's crazy with a purpose that's more important than any worry they have about it.

I can't wait to finish up Season 3 (8 more episodes to go) and am going to await the release of Season 4 on DVD with bated breath. There's nothing better than a show where I really care about the characters. And this is definitely one.