It's This That Worries Me Most

I am rarely stressed. I approach most of my life calmly. I don't process things on my own all that well, so I have to talk out loud to get to the heart of most matters. Members of my personal Board of Directors are chosen for their ability and willingness to listen to me prattle on, sometimes well past when I probably could stop, about whatever topic I'm not quite settled about yet. Some might think that my need to talk about most things may indicate stress about them, but really, it's what keeps the stress at bay.

Physical manifestations of stress is another situation. Since I was young, most fear, anxiety, and stress I feel has come out physically. Trembling, sometimes faintly and other times uncontrollably, back pain, headaches, stomach butterflies, exhaustion, and more have plagued me at different times of my life and in different situations.

This week - a low-grade headache most of the week coupled with ongoing back pain and aching jaw. Sleeping 11 hours Friday night and two spinning classes have helped some. But what really has helped is finally admitting out loud to myself and to two of my Board that I am worried about school. I don't have one of the syllabuses yet. I am still awaiting some books from the library. I don't have an English lit background and am going into an academic situation, for the first time in my life, under prepared. (Okay, so I'm not under prepared really. I'm prepared. But in the past, most of the time, I've had more information that the average person on the topics I'm faced with. This time, not so much.)

Yesterday, I received in the mail, a little Hello Kitty school bus colored in by Sonia, my niece. My sister had written on the top - Good luck on your first day (or something along those lines). I called Sonia and thanked her for the note and drawing, telling her "I'm a little scared about starting school and your note made me feel better." She beamed at this, reported my sister. She herself struggles with new things and so I think hearing that she made me feel better and that I, too, am struggling, was probably a nice message for her.

I am starting a new adventure. Each time I've done this before, I've been scared. This is no exception. I'm sure I'll be fine. But I want to be more than fine. I want to excel. It's this that worries me most. That I might not.