Yo hago las cosas mas complicadas

I make things more complicated.

I know I do. It's a curse, really. These last few days have been difficult, confusing, busy, boring, scary and full of freedom. This is an exercise in patience and self-confidence as well as how I see and understand myself, the people around me and my world.

I have not had one dime come in since I arrived back in the U.S. I have only had money go out in bills, buying a car, buying groceries and gas. I have been home almost 4 weeks. This is scary for just about anyone, let alone someone like me, who always saves more than she spends and who worries about money on a good day. I have spent time looking at job listings and applying for positions that really interest me. I have had three interviews, been offered a full-time professional position which I turned down, have two more interviews next week, have begun one restaurant job, quit that one, and begin another on Sunday. I have reviewed my resume with a friend of a friend and I have tried to set up informational interviews. I have been exercising some and sleeping plenty and have started playing around with writing about my experience in the Peace Corps.

I had dinner with my parents the other night (mom brought home lobsters!) and we talked about why I shouldn't been freaking out yet. They are being really supportive and have even offered for me to live there again for free if I need to. I don't want to do that. There's this triangle theory of happiness. It says that there are three parts of anyone's life that need to be sorted out in order for true happiness to be achieved. One is your home, one is your relationship and one is your work. If you have at least one of these at any given time, you'll be okay. If you have two, even better, and three, you are truly happy. Right now I have one. Home. I like it here in my house in Boston. I have no relationship at the moment and I obviously don't have meaningful work. So if I give up the Home part and move back in with my parents, I think I'd be in bad shape very quickly. So I'm not going to do that. Yet. Ever. Hopefully.

I have been projecting onto others that they are disapproving of what I am doing and what I've done and then I'm internalizing it. I've created a vicious cycle all my own without anyone else's involvement and I'm suffering because of it. I am obviously worried that people think I should be working by now or that I should be doing something different than I am doing. I feel a little out of control, and I'm a control freak. But there's nothing else I could be controlling. :) What a predicament. It's funny. I have to laugh at myself. My mother said "If you want to freak out, go ahead..." What is that going to help? Nothing.

So, I am making things more complicated than they have to be. I think I need to take a deep deep breath, and then breathe it out. And then, remember that I have enough money to get through another couple of months without any money coming in, and I will be earning money waiting tables after training in another two weeks. I need to remember that I have already, in only three weeks, had positive response from three different non-profit job opportunities, which can't possibly be a fluke. I need to remember that it's never easy. Life is a challenge. I have my health. I have family. I have enough money. I have the ability to borrow if need be. It's hard to remember to breathe sometimes.

Estoy tratando estar mas tranquilo. I am trying to be calmer. We'll see how it goes.