I will

Bad things sometimes are done to good people. The key is, though: the bad thing was created by someone else. So the good person (me, in this case) doesn't own it. It isn't mine. I am affected by it, but it's not mine. So moving on from it is easier.

I had a relationship this year with someone I came to love. We started out dating, I broke it off because it wasn't working, I went back looking for friendship, I discovered a lie, I left for "good", I sought the friendship again, I thought the friendship had potential to be a relationship again, and I found out the entire thing had been a lie, from the start.

It's been quite the journey. And difficult. There're details that are mind-blowing; details that are disgusting; details that are shocking; details that are just plain sad. Sufficed to say, though, that the details aren't really important any more. I've had my fill of details.

I am okay. Good, even. It has been 11 days since I learned that I'd been duped, tricked into thinking something existed that didn't. It's been 11 days since I learned that some people are ill. I knew this, of course, but I'd not had a relationship with anyone who has a real disorder before. It's powerful stuff.

It is the big picture that is important now. This is the big picture as I understand it today:

- I am a loving, trusting, pure-of-heart person. (Not to say I'm naive, because I'm not; purity is something different. I use that word to mean that I always have good intentions, my interactions with others are always organic, my emotions are always available to myself and others, and I do not possess the ability to hurt another person on purpose, nor to I have the ability to understand how others can do so.)

- I have a deep desire to be in a partnership with a man, but that hasn't presented itself to me yet in a real way. I need to be increasingly careful to not see potential where it isn't because of this desire.

- I trusted someone who shouldn't have been trusted. I had no way of knowing that he didn't deserve my trust. So none of this is my fault.

- I am not willing to give up who I am at my core, so I will trust again. Some might see this as wanton at best or stupid at worst. I am not really interested in a tempered version of myself and so, I will trust.

- Karma is very powerful. Whenever I've said in the past that the Universe is watching over me and I listen to its messages, I really mean Karma. That my behavior and intentions are so honest and open that Karma helps me get what I need. I believe this is why things come easier to me, why I often find myself in the right place at the right time, and why my life is simple, clean, and beautiful. Karma will work out what needs to be worked out in this case without my intervention.

- I have truly wonderful friends and family. Ones who listen to me, love me, understand me, and are protective of me. They are willing to hug me, cry with me and hold my hand when I need it. They are patiently waiting for me to laugh again.

- I have a honed ability to process information, evaluate my emotions, gather information from inside myself, and move forward in ways that are useful and healthy. I have exercised this ability numerous times in my life, and it has served me especially well this time around.

I realize this post is cryptic. I realize, dear reader, that you aren't getting the whole story. But my intention in this post is to outline the future, not get bogged down in the past.

So, as I move through another January and into a new year, I will walk tall, with my given confidence and belief in myself. I will slowly stop wondering why. I will stop glancing back and instead I will look forward. I will continue to do yoga two or three times a week because it is as good as therapy. I will start to want to eat again. I will laugh, loudly and obnoxiously once again.

I will.