Wishing for a Visit to Mars

I am a woman who is meant to have male friends.

In high school, many of my closest friends were boys. When I left college, which I loved every minute of, and am still very glad I had the extraordinary experience of a women's education, my first close friend in grad school was a man. When I moved to LA, one of my three closest friends there was a man. In Thailand, my closest friend was a man. I have always, up until two and a half years ago, had men in my workplace who I thoroughly enjoyed (they tended to be married or gay, but they were men, nonetheless).

I miss this very much. My one close male friend left Boston last summer. I miss him. And then I just lost the closest male friend I've had in a long time. And he was truly male. In every sense of the word and I loved having that again.

I know that part of the reason I lament being single as much as I do is because I really really dig maleness and having it in my every day existence. I also want a partnership and to be loved, but on a base level, part of that is wanting maleness in my life.

I am in a field that is dominated by women. Ninety percent of the meetings I attend in and out of my office are filled with women. And the one or two men who happen to be in some of them tend to operate in a female-dominated field in a way that downplays their maleness. I work with 12 other people, only one of whom is a man. Everyone who works for me is a woman. I hire them. And I can't find AmeriCorps members who are men very easily. Believe me, I try.

I love my women friends. Deeply and madly. Women are allowed to have friendships that are intimate and special, and I wouldn't trade this for anything. I would never want to be a man, because then I'd have to give up the way I understand friendship as a woman. I love my sister and my mother more than anything. I am very pleased my first aunt experience is to a girl. I understand that better.

But I want testosterone around me. I want to have a man's way of knowing on my Board of Directors. I want that back. I had it for a full year, in a very intense manner. I explained what was going on, and he saw the situation in an entirely different way, just because he is in possession of a penis. I swear it's that simple. Men just see things differently, know them differently, and solve them differently.

I do not miss this man who wronged me. I don't miss him. But I sure miss his maleness. I want that back. My brother is great, but he's my brother; not the same. And I have all these family friends who are men, but they too, are family.

Men and women, it's said, aren't meant to be friends. The Harry Met Sally syndrome and all. Yeah, yeah. And that's mostly true. I have a terrible history of falling for my male friends. I know. But the ones who are married or gay or otherwise engaged have been godsends to me. And I wish for one, long for one, right now. Tonight. To drink a beer and talk. In a boy-man-way. A way that's a treat for me. A way that's not my default. A way that feels interesting and comfortable and a little bit racy.

I'm can't just order it up, though, can I? Shit.