Brokeback

The first time I saw Brokeback Mountain, in 2005, in the theatre, I sobbed so much I had to wait to get up at the end until I had control enough again to walk. I was touched by the story, touched by the pain of Ennis and Jack, men feeling something they could do nothing about. I was mad at a world that continues to attempt to keep gay men and women from loving, even though my state had legalized their right to marry just the year before. I wept for lost time, lost love and for people not being able to be who they are. I wept for gay men and women, but especially men, who are violently tortured and killed just for being gay. I was amazed when it didn't win Best Picture that year, losing out to Crash, which was a good movie, but not even remotely as good as Brokeback. (I was consoled a bit by the fact that Larry McMurtry and Annie Proulx won for the screenplay and Ang Lee won for direction - even after all 3 nominated actors were also snubbed.)

A friend mentioned last week that she'd watched it again, and how good it was the second time around. We talked for a bit about the things that can be noticed on a second viewing of a movie that affronts every sense the first time - once you are prepared for it. We talked for a bit about the loss of Heath Ledger; about how the world is a little bit less wonderful without him in it.

I watched it again yesterday. It affected me even more than I thought it would this time. This is not the "gay cowboy movie," it is a serious love story, as serious and important as any other love story ever told; perhaps more serious and important than many others. It is a story of hidden love - of love that cannot be fully realized or enjoyed because of fear. Ennis says, "If you can't fix it, Jack, you have to bear it." And in this line is the crux - two young men in 1963 and through almost 20 years of stolen moments - bearing it is really all they can do.

There are some incredibly poignant moments in this film, and clearly the writing, acting and direction are to thank. When Jack finally contacts Ennis again, 4 years after their first summer together, Ennis waits for him like a child on Christmas morning, sitting in the window and getting more and more anxious as time passes; the viewer can feel the anticipation. Jack finally arrives, and although it was clear that Ennis was the one who needed to be convinced the first time around, he takes one look at Jack and his body and his emotions take hold of him and he is lost. He takes hold of Jack's face and looks in his eyes and in that moment, anyone can see that this is real. This is the love Ennis has missed while he was busy trying to build a marriage and rear his kids and earn enough money for their keep. He leans in to kiss Jack, holding onto him with urgency. My entire being was affected on this second viewing - I wanted to cheer and cry all at once.

The scene where Ennis and Jack first discover sex together, while violent and abrupt and a tiny bit scary, is equally as poignant. How perfect that the writers and director and actors understood that scene must be that way - that without it, we would never had bought into the story as a whole. Two men, cowboys, no less, in 1963, one with a fiance waiting at home end up having sex in a tent on a mountain? We have to understand the stretch that was - that there was something important behind it in order for the entire story to follow to work. Jack is clearer in his sexuality. He has already fallen for Ennis and it likely took restraint on his part to wait as long as he did before he reached for Ennis's hand and arm to wrap it around his own body. But Ennis? Ennis we know could've gone his entire life without ever having an encounter with a man - sexual or otherwise. He would've just accepted his life as it was dealt to him, and would've passed up the love with Jack if Jack hadn't've been brave enough to offer it. It's what makes the rest of the movie so brilliant. Because this isn't just a passing thing; it isn't just another fuck. It's real love on both their parts, but especially Ennis'.

The scene where Ennis meets Jack's parents and finds their shirts - carefully threaded into each other in Jack's childhood bedroom shatters me. He's there, hoping to catch a last moment of Jack-ness, in his room, his boots, his clothing, and yet, he finds love again. In the form of two bloodied shirts, kept by the love of his life as a reminder. Jack's mother, who clearly knows Ennis is her son's lover, must be aware of the shirts' existence and is quick to offer Ennis a bag to carry them when he returns downstairs with them. In her "Come back to see us again" line, she says so much. She says to Ennis that she loved her son, that she knows how much he loved Ennis and that she can see Ennis' pain in the loss of him. She validates Ennis' entire being - for here is someone who knows his secret and accepts it about him. (Jack's dad is not as understanding - but he doesn't throw Ennis out; he doesn't punish Ennis for loving Jack, he allows him a moment's grace - a far cry from what many men in his position might've done.)

As the movie progresses, Ennis' marriage fails, Jack continues to try to convince Ennis they can build a life together if they just tried, and ultimately, Jack dies, deep sadness takes hold of me. How many times can Heath Ledger, with that gorgeous face speckled with freckles evoking innocence, cry in complete despair before I too, break down? How many times can Jack, with a pure, unadulterated love for Ennis, beg him to build a life with him? How many more times can society refuse to allow people to love each other? People who aren't hurting anyone? People who just have love - piles and piles of love - should be allowed to share it with whoever they want to, wherever they want to, however they want to. Yet. Here we are - much as we were in 1982 (the last time Jack and Ennis spend a week together) - with people not allowed to do just that. I would venture to guess that if two men met next summer in Wyoming on a ranch and fell in love, they would feel just as compelled to hide it as Ennis and Jack did. Sad world we live in.

I am so grateful that Annie Proulx wrote this short story for us and that Ang Lee and Jake Gyllenthal and Heath Ledger decided to make the film. It is a gift. A beautiful, heart-breaking, amazing gift. One I will watch many more times in my life, now that I've reminded myself just how important it is.