Mantra: (Sanskrit) literally a 'sacred utterance'

Back in LA, in another life, eons ago, I and my friends developed a yearly mantra in lieu of resolutions to welcome the New Year. The one I remember best? "No Shame No Apologies" 1999's mantra. Since leaving LA, travelling the world, living in another country and recreating a life stateside, I have fallen, quite thoroughly, out of that habit. So thoroughly, in fact, that I had entirely forgotten about it until recently.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life (as any reader of this blog knows) and have just owned the fact that I am often guilty of fighting the universe, fate, God, whatever you wish to call it. I often choose to invoke "the Universe" in these types of discussions, such as "I'm putting it out into the Universe," or in giving advice: "The Universe will help you in whatever way it can," or in my reasoning in making decisions, "The Universe will look out for me." This is simply a way of my invoking something bigger than I.

I adopted this wording back in 1997 or so when I first discovered The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. In this fantastic fable, the Brazilian author centers the boy's story around the idea that if you really want something, the Universe will conspire to help you get it in whatever way it can and that following your dreams and listening to your heart is important above all else.

I have made an effort to live a life based on this principle, and have succeeded in many ways. I have quit jobs, packed my bags, left unhappiness behind, bought plane tickets to Bolivia, pursued learning Spanish as an adult, been honest, spent time with children, emailed even when I was tired, and shared my life with many. I make good, mature decisions and I have had fantastic jobs, fulfilling experiences, and I am creative and alive.

I have also failed. I worry a lot, I don't have enough money to be truly free, I have negative message tapes that play regularly in my head telling me I am not good enough, thin enough, and my personality is too strong for anyone to truly love or tolerate me. I am careful in my interactions with other people to ensure I don't say or do anything to offend them. I hold back from acting as my real true self in front of new people in case they won't like me. I am told sometimes that I should do something different than I am doing by those who I'm sure mean well. I don't really feel like an adult some of the time because I am single and rent. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship -- or, in fact, even find one.

I recently placed myself on the DL, the disabled list, of dating. I was going to really spend the summer playing the game, walking the walk, dating anyone who wanted to go out. But when I assessed the first six or eight dates versus how I could be spending the summer playing outdoors, canoeing, travelling to NYC to visit my sister, visiting the Edward Hopper exhibit at the MFA, seeing Martha's Vineyard for the first time, Ziplining with friends and more it was a no-brainer. To say no to any of that and instead go on a date with a stranger wearing pants that are too short or who wants me to look at real estate on the first date would be stupid, I decided.

But then I beat myself up over that. How, I thought, will I find love and happiness without trying? Without controlling it? Without trolling two or three dating sites every day? How?

I took a moment to breathe and I thought of the Universe. It has gotten me everything else I've wanted. It's been there for me in Asia and seen me hired as a divemaster when they weren't really hiring. It was there to see me admitted into the best grad program in my field. It was there to find me a car in only 2 days after returning from the Peace Corps. It was there when I decided to enter the PC and when I decided to leave. It has rarely failed me. Why then, am I fighting it on this one? On the big one? On love? Perhaps there is a plan, larger than I, that I do not know about. Perhaps trusting more will serve me well.

And so, because I do not want to word a mantra negatively ("Don't fight the Universe") I have instead chosen to "Trust the Universe". Even though it isn't the New Year, it isn't the beginning of 2007, this will be my 2007 Mantra. When the negative tapes start playing, I will remind myself to Trust the Universe. When I am panicking because I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, I will remind myself to Trust the Universe. I will try not to control it so much. I will try to only look in my planner a couple times a day instead of every hour. I will not worry about who is sleeping at my house after the Red Sox game with cousins who are visiting because it just really doesn't matter. I will Trust the Universe.

This is not going to be easy. I might fail. As always, though, it's about the trying and if I really want it, I trust that the Universe will conspire to help me get it in whatever way it can.