Mantra: (Sanskrit) literally a 'sacred utterance'

Back in LA, in another life, eons ago, I and my friends developed a yearly mantra in lieu of resolutions to welcome the New Year. The one I remember best? "No Shame No Apologies" 1999's mantra. Since leaving LA, travelling the world, living in another country and recreating a life stateside, I have fallen, quite thoroughly, out of that habit. So thoroughly, in fact, that I had entirely forgotten about it until recently.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life (as any reader of this blog knows) and have just owned the fact that I am often guilty of fighting the universe, fate, God, whatever you wish to call it. I often choose to invoke "the Universe" in these types of discussions, such as "I'm putting it out into the Universe," or in giving advice: "The Universe will help you in whatever way it can," or in my reasoning in making decisions, "The Universe will look out for me." This is simply a way of my invoking something bigger than I.

I adopted this wording back in 1997 or so when I first discovered The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. In this fantastic fable, the Brazilian author centers the boy's story around the idea that if you really want something, the Universe will conspire to help you get it in whatever way it can and that following your dreams and listening to your heart is important above all else.

I have made an effort to live a life based on this principle, and have succeeded in many ways. I have quit jobs, packed my bags, left unhappiness behind, bought plane tickets to Bolivia, pursued learning Spanish as an adult, been honest, spent time with children, emailed even when I was tired, and shared my life with many. I make good, mature decisions and I have had fantastic jobs, fulfilling experiences, and I am creative and alive.

I have also failed. I worry a lot, I don't have enough money to be truly free, I have negative message tapes that play regularly in my head telling me I am not good enough, thin enough, and my personality is too strong for anyone to truly love or tolerate me. I am careful in my interactions with other people to ensure I don't say or do anything to offend them. I hold back from acting as my real true self in front of new people in case they won't like me. I am told sometimes that I should do something different than I am doing by those who I'm sure mean well. I don't really feel like an adult some of the time because I am single and rent. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship -- or, in fact, even find one.

I recently placed myself on the DL, the disabled list, of dating. I was going to really spend the summer playing the game, walking the walk, dating anyone who wanted to go out. But when I assessed the first six or eight dates versus how I could be spending the summer playing outdoors, canoeing, travelling to NYC to visit my sister, visiting the Edward Hopper exhibit at the MFA, seeing Martha's Vineyard for the first time, Ziplining with friends and more it was a no-brainer. To say no to any of that and instead go on a date with a stranger wearing pants that are too short or who wants me to look at real estate on the first date would be stupid, I decided.

But then I beat myself up over that. How, I thought, will I find love and happiness without trying? Without controlling it? Without trolling two or three dating sites every day? How?

I took a moment to breathe and I thought of the Universe. It has gotten me everything else I've wanted. It's been there for me in Asia and seen me hired as a divemaster when they weren't really hiring. It was there to see me admitted into the best grad program in my field. It was there to find me a car in only 2 days after returning from the Peace Corps. It was there when I decided to enter the PC and when I decided to leave. It has rarely failed me. Why then, am I fighting it on this one? On the big one? On love? Perhaps there is a plan, larger than I, that I do not know about. Perhaps trusting more will serve me well.

And so, because I do not want to word a mantra negatively ("Don't fight the Universe") I have instead chosen to "Trust the Universe". Even though it isn't the New Year, it isn't the beginning of 2007, this will be my 2007 Mantra. When the negative tapes start playing, I will remind myself to Trust the Universe. When I am panicking because I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, I will remind myself to Trust the Universe. I will try not to control it so much. I will try to only look in my planner a couple times a day instead of every hour. I will not worry about who is sleeping at my house after the Red Sox game with cousins who are visiting because it just really doesn't matter. I will Trust the Universe.

This is not going to be easy. I might fail. As always, though, it's about the trying and if I really want it, I trust that the Universe will conspire to help me get it in whatever way it can.

Photo fun

Here are some photos I've taken recently. I'm having a great time playing with the camera and light and shadows and nature, especially.

I'm Published Elsewhere!

I found this great blog called The 15 Minute Dating Blog: True Dating Horror Stories and Tips from Real People. So I submitted. It went up today!

Check it out HERE.

Rolling for Autism

There are a group of Union College students (my cousin Lauren is one) who are working on fundraising for Autism. There is a group of them who, after graduation this Sunday, will embark on a rollerblading journey from Florida to Maine to raise money and awareness.

Check out their YOUTUBE video.

Log on to their WEBSITE for more information or to make a donation. They have a goal of $500,000.

Ways to know you are getting older...

1. Your knees hurt in the morning when you walk down the five flights of stairs to leave your apartment.
2. You notice more and more strands of grey/white/silver hair each week.
3. You think short skirts and short shorts are better left to the young.
4. You can't sleep past 7, even on a weekend, even if you were out drinking the night before.
5. Speaking of drinking, you just can't put them away like you used to, or if you do, you seriously pay for it the next day.
6. You cannot take a red-eye flight from the West Coast and go straight to work that morning and actually make it through the day.
7. You notice dust and dirt and grime in your kitchen, living room, bathroom like you never have before.
8. You read the real estate notices and think how nice it would be to own something.
9. You get excited because your radishes are growing.
10. You max out a ROTH IRA every year.

The first Spring

This is going to be my first Summer in 2 years. I missed last Summer completely, being gone from Memorial Day to Labor Day. I've just realized that I feel anxious about it. Through the anxiousness about Summer, though, is a true love that has developed for Spring.

I find myself thinking that Fourth of July is just around the corner. Now, one could make an arguement that it is, but I've been thinking this since early May. And I somehow feel like after that, Summer is over, when really, it's just begun.

Then I find myself worried about the heat. I haven't been really really hot since 2005. (It was hot in Paraguay, for sure, but it was still their Winter, and so even then it was 90, it would be 40 again three days later and so it just doesn't count.) I hate the heat. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Would rather be caught in a snowstorm and freezing than hot.

I have always loved the Winter best, and then had sort of a back-of-my-mind appreciation for Spring. This year, though, it's been different. I still loved the Winter, but it was my third in a row, and somehow the lead up to it wasn't as amazing. It just seemed regular and inevitable. Spring this year, though. Wow.

I've noticed the budding of everything. I've stopped short on the sidewalk to look at an unusual flower. I've stopped to try to count the snails on my plants along my front stairs and given up because there were too many. I've taken photograph after photograph of the sunset from my front porch. I've planted vegetables and just two days ago, harvested 5 of the the most beautiful, red radishes you ever saw. I took photos of a tree as it passed through phases of budding and blooming and growing a new coat of leaves for the season. I revitalized a plant that was left on my deck all Winter and have revelled every afternoon in feeding it and in how well it is doing. I have gone out during lunch for walks in downtown Boston just to appreciate what 72 degrees feels like. I have had my first pedicure of the season and have begun shaving my legs at least twice weekly, something I haven't done for more than a year.

Tres inviernos (three Winters) has really shifted how I appreciate the Spring because it has such an important job. It leads us into Summer. Gently, easily, and with grace. It takes us to the 90s and back down again to the 60s as prep work for heat to come back later. It makes us suffer the rain so we can appreciate the green that will come of it. It warms us during the days and treats us to perfect cool sleeping nights. It asks us to pause for a moment and appreciate nature. It invites us to wear less clothing, smile at passers-by and flirt with good looking members of the group attractive to us. It gives us more sunlight; earlier mornings and later nights.

I'm so glad that I've been effected enough by my three Winters to really appreciate the Spring in a whole new way. I feel like someone who has lived her whole life in the tropics or Siberia and is for the first time, experiencing Spring. What a gift.