Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Crying
"It is clear that crying is a primary way for the body to eliminate harmful stress hormones. Thus, crying is a natural and essential biological function that results in the elimination of stress hormones connected to every imaginable stress related health problem. The 21st century has started by removing any doubt about the positive health effects of crying." - Dr. Kevin Keough, Helium
Well good. Because with babies being born through difficult labors and breaking up with men I really liked, I seem to do a lot of it.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Romance and Practicality
I am a pretty hopeless romantic. I try to hide it from the general public, preferring to appear as nonchalant as possible. In secret, though, I read impossible love stories, bathe in romantic comedies as often as possible, and dream silly dreams about being swept off my feet and living happily ever after.
It's amazing to me that I still have this romanticism at my age with my history. I should be bitter by now. I should have shirked this part of me a long time ago. For whatever reason, I haven't. The thing is though, as romantic as I am, as much as I want that part of me in charge, practicality always wins. Always.
As of right now, it's been 58 hours since I've talked to him. I broke it off. It was my decision. I sat in the driver's seat as he sat in the passenger's side and told him I couldn't do it. I walked away at a time when he probably needed me to stay; because I want more. I was disappointed in him for not being able to transcend the crap that is swirling around his head to at least care for me a little. I pat on the back here, a peck on the lips there, a smile for later. But he couldn't. He is just too tired, too overwhelmed, too buried in the stuff of life right now. And now I'm disappointed in myself for once again bowing to my practicality instead of believing more deeply in romanticism and sticking to see if we could make it through.
This is the right decision for me (for us) right now. It is. I'm not confused about that. But I still hate it. Because he's been away for most of our relationship's lifetime, I've not gone more than 24 hours without speaking to him on the phone for 3 and a half months. About 100 days of never missing a day. And now, nothing. Nothing for almost three days. Three days that have felt longer than those 100. By a mile.
The even worse part of this is the strength of my feelings for him. I've walked away from plenty of people before. But not one who I loved. Not one who I believed might make a good partner. Now I have. It's a horrible experience.
I am pretty sure he won't read this. Perhaps he will, though, since the post below this is about him and music. If he does, I'm not sure what he'll think. He's got a lot of pride. That's something I respect in him, because I don't have any. I also think it's a weakness, though. Pride can keep someone from getting what they really want. I think he knows how I feel and that this decision was painful for me. (The crying for the 30 minute car ride to the bus station may have tipped him off if he wasn't already clear.)
The practical side of me is already tired of being sad and is ready to move on. The romantic side of me is pathetically wishing that he'd call and tell me he needs some time, but wants to try again once he's worked through some things. Since he's completely in charge of the outcome, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. So I'm enjoying the sunshine and feeling young and reminding myself how much I learned about myself over the past 4 months of being with him.
Facts are though: I miss him.
It's amazing to me that I still have this romanticism at my age with my history. I should be bitter by now. I should have shirked this part of me a long time ago. For whatever reason, I haven't. The thing is though, as romantic as I am, as much as I want that part of me in charge, practicality always wins. Always.
As of right now, it's been 58 hours since I've talked to him. I broke it off. It was my decision. I sat in the driver's seat as he sat in the passenger's side and told him I couldn't do it. I walked away at a time when he probably needed me to stay; because I want more. I was disappointed in him for not being able to transcend the crap that is swirling around his head to at least care for me a little. I pat on the back here, a peck on the lips there, a smile for later. But he couldn't. He is just too tired, too overwhelmed, too buried in the stuff of life right now. And now I'm disappointed in myself for once again bowing to my practicality instead of believing more deeply in romanticism and sticking to see if we could make it through.
This is the right decision for me (for us) right now. It is. I'm not confused about that. But I still hate it. Because he's been away for most of our relationship's lifetime, I've not gone more than 24 hours without speaking to him on the phone for 3 and a half months. About 100 days of never missing a day. And now, nothing. Nothing for almost three days. Three days that have felt longer than those 100. By a mile.
The even worse part of this is the strength of my feelings for him. I've walked away from plenty of people before. But not one who I loved. Not one who I believed might make a good partner. Now I have. It's a horrible experience.
I am pretty sure he won't read this. Perhaps he will, though, since the post below this is about him and music. If he does, I'm not sure what he'll think. He's got a lot of pride. That's something I respect in him, because I don't have any. I also think it's a weakness, though. Pride can keep someone from getting what they really want. I think he knows how I feel and that this decision was painful for me. (The crying for the 30 minute car ride to the bus station may have tipped him off if he wasn't already clear.)
The practical side of me is already tired of being sad and is ready to move on. The romantic side of me is pathetically wishing that he'd call and tell me he needs some time, but wants to try again once he's worked through some things. Since he's completely in charge of the outcome, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. So I'm enjoying the sunshine and feeling young and reminding myself how much I learned about myself over the past 4 months of being with him.
Facts are though: I miss him.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Never Too Late
Through the Post-Idea-Man, I've discovered a number of bands/singers I've never heard of before. Now, know this isn't all that unusual of an occurance, since I've never been a music kind of chick. I'm a book and movies kind of chick.
Sure, in junior high I paid attention to the Top 40 and rocked out appropriately to Belinda Carlisle, Debbie Gibson, and Whitney Houston in high school. In college I did the REM and Pearl Jam thing, along with the rest of the flannel and Doc Marten free world. Back then, though, I was always in a cohort, always around people who did care about music and who by osmosis, mostly, kept me up-to-date. I had a friend at my summer job in college, Tracy, who brought me to Santana at Holman Stadium in Nashua, NH and Phish opened for them (it was 1992). And Josh, who went to the University of Richmond and took me one spring to see Dave Matthews at a small little venue two years before anyone else even knew who they were. Oh and seeing Guns n Roses with Metallica was the highlight of freshman year. (1992 was a big year.)
I've been in the adult world for the better part of 15 years (now that's scary in and of itself), largely without anyone who really digs music as my everyday friend. I've had a few over the years, like Melissa in LA who took me to Prince in the MGM Grand Ballroom in Vegas and Ray in LA who scored free tix to Barenaked Ladies at Universal Studios, invited me and I missed it because I was sick. I saw Beck in LA too, and loved every minute of that Hollywood Bowl show. I saw Lilith Fair two years in a row at the Rose Bowl. Wait, all of those examples were from LA and involved Ray and Melissa. I think after them, I've not had another music friend. Ever. Huh.
Mostly, though, I've just gone through life not really caring. I actually skip the music section in Entertainment Weekly even though I read every other page and every other article in the whole thing. Occasionally I come across some song I really dig, like Golddigger by Kanye or Yellow by Coldplay. Then I play it over and over and maybe even buy the disk it's on. I've probably bought 10 CDs, if that, over the past 12 years.
Assembly of Dust, Michael Franti/Spearhead, and Jack Johnson are the three bands/singers who I've learned to love recently through The S.M.E. (he needs some better nickname, this one is work-based). He has been sending me lists of songs to listen to, usually based on whatever he listened to that night or morning. I look to find them either on YouTube (did you know you can find TONS of songs on there?) or on Rhapsody and listen to them. Some I like, some I love and others I could do without. He introduced me a month ago to Dear Prudence, the Grateful Dead version, which I can't seem to find anywhere. Some artists, such as Jack Johnson, have all their music available for listening (not downloading) on their websites.
The S.M.E. has very broad and deep musical taste. (And there's room in his head, since he knows almost nothing of TV or movies and reads only occasionally and then nonfiction.) He loves the hippie crunch, the classic R & B, good old Jazz, rap and hip hop, sensitive ponytail man music, and indie "adult alternative". His little girl digs her some Soul Sister. He's got a diverse background geographically, culturally, and educationally, and this makes his music knowledge even better. He owns some insane number of CDs; 5000 maybe. He knows who Lori McKenna is, but couldn't identify Patrick Dempsey by name or show if his life depended on it.
I think my favorite three songs so far that he's introed me to are See You In the Light and Never Too Late by Michael Franti/Spearhead and Sometimes by Assembly of Dust. Jack Johnson can't really do any wrong. His songs are collectively pleasing and fun. Banana Pancakes? Only a 32-year-old Hawaiian songwriter with two little kids can get away with a love song revolving around staying in bed and eating pancakes. Beauty.
And, Idea Man isn't always consistent, so sometimes the song-of-the-day is a little puzzle. Sometimes all I get is the lyrics, pasted into an email, sans song title or artist. Good thing for Google, I tell you. Most of the time, just Googling a line of a song will bring a hit for the name of the song. Sometimes a trip to a lyrics search engine is necessary, but it's never taken me more than a few minutes to find them. And sometimes, if he's worried I might think the lyrics mean something profound as a message, he'll only send part of them, as if I can't find the rest. Silly man.
One of the many profound differences between he and I is that I, being book and script minded, love lyrics. I love the poetry of a song, the meaning of it, the way the words weave into a message for the listener. I've always loved lyrics. He, on the other hand, is much more driven by the beat, the actual music and the way a song travels through the air to the listener's ears. The lyrics almost don't matter most of the time. He plays a song for the shape of it, the way it makes him want to move. He can play a song on repeat for hours because the experience is about the sound and it doesn't get boring, the way someone focused on the lyrics might grow tired of the song after only a couple of plays.
All I know is that I feel fortunate to have someone in my life again who cares about music, who might bring me back to that world for a while. It'll never be a focus of mine, but I appreciate it enough to really enjoy the ride when someone else is driving.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
New Toy!
My sister bought me a full-day class through Brookline Adult Community Education called "Mindfulness: A Retreat." It was cancelled and rescheduled and the second time the instructor didn't show up. So she got her money back and I just bought myself a kick-ass Christmas-in-April present.
Why haven't I ever owned a food processor before? I've had blenders in apartments in the past, but I've never owned one. Why? What the hell is the matter with me?
I just made a carrot, celery, pear, apple, mint, ginger, pear juice smoothie and it was amazing. I've been very bad lately about getting enough fruits and veggies. It is hard when I'm out 4-5 nights a week at work events or board meetings or whatever else I'm doing. And lunch, well, I just get lazy and try to claim that the lettuce/tomato/onion on my turkey sub will suffice. So, here's to a new leaf. To going back to my days of eating plenty of what's good for me. And this time, I get to have fun doing it!
Why haven't I ever owned a food processor before? I've had blenders in apartments in the past, but I've never owned one. Why? What the hell is the matter with me?
I just made a carrot, celery, pear, apple, mint, ginger, pear juice smoothie and it was amazing. I've been very bad lately about getting enough fruits and veggies. It is hard when I'm out 4-5 nights a week at work events or board meetings or whatever else I'm doing. And lunch, well, I just get lazy and try to claim that the lettuce/tomato/onion on my turkey sub will suffice. So, here's to a new leaf. To going back to my days of eating plenty of what's good for me. And this time, I get to have fun doing it!
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