Sufficient Non-Genital Hair Needed

Real world memo: "This is a reminder that you will be obligated to present yourself with sufficient hair for a drug test as early as thirty days prior to your next birthday...To have adequate hair for this collection, you will need three samples. Therefore, you should start timing your hair trimming so that sufficient hair may be collected. Do not cut your hair too short. Also, avoid shaving your body hair as collectors may collect from non-genital areas of the body if there is insufficient head hair when you appear. FAILURE TO PRESENT YOURSELF WITH A SATISFACTORY AMOUNT OF HAIR MAY LEAD TO A CHARGE OF EVADING THE HAIR TESTING PROCESS."

Let's break this down, shall we?

1. Enough notice. All the peeps know the drill - testing near your birthday. According to the chart (scroll to the bottom) you need about a 90 day window to be safe. Then cut it out and show up clean for the test. The Union is apparently responsible for this convenient nuance.

2. Completely unclear. Don't cut your hair too short. Okay. How long must the sample be? Start timing your hair trimming now. Timing? Meaning so I don't look scruffy if I have to go an extra week before my regular hair cut when you call my ass in for the test? Are you taking all three samples that day? Am I coming in three times? Do I trim the hair and bring it with me (that'd be great, since my Great Aunt Martha sleeps soundly and I can steal some of hers as a stand-in)?

3. Body hair may need to be surrendered. Ha! Okay ladies, stop with the pits right now. I know that I for one couldn't grow leg hair long enough in even 6 weeks, I don't think, and my arm hair isn't all that astounding, so I guess my pits are my back up. Bald men, no waxing. Keep that back hair growing for a while!

4. Genital hair is safe. I'm pretty sure the Union had something to do with this one as well.

5. Satisfactory amount of hair. So if I have alopecia universalis (which, granted, is rare) I'm screwed. I'm going down for evading. There's no other way to drug test. The good ole urine gig is too old fashioned.