Voy a regresar a EEUU

I´m going to return to the U.S. Yup. I am actually going to quit the Peace Corps. I can hardly believe it myself.

After reflection, an honest look at myself and my situation and talking it out a lot, I have decided to ET (early terminate) from the Peace Corps and come home.

This decision has actually been about 3 weeks in the making. After visiting Santa Maria the first time, I spent the two weeks left of training crying and contemplating as many of you know. I cried during site-visit debrief while discussing how we were feeling about placement (in front on my grande jefe) (this was a good thing and made my group really bond and talk about fears) and again during my final evaluation with my trainer. I even broke down one day in Guarani class with my Paraguayan professora. I have always been a cryer, so this was normal for me. So, I chalked this all up to the anxiety of going to site soon, leaving my group, being alone, etc. I seriously considered coming home during those weeks and said to a fellow trainee "If I went home right now, I would not be sad". Another woman in my group was seriously considering not swearing in and her level of angst and the group-think around it was enough to diminish my questions. So, I shrugged it off, mentioned it to a few of you in passing, and swore in anyway.

This last week has been emotional hell. Not because of the people here. They have been friendly and welcoming. Not because of the town itself, it is LOVELY and has internet, hot water and paved roads, everything I would ever need. It is because of what I am meant to do here.

I wrote this Sunday, August 27, in my journal after I finally forced myself to get out of bed. Never can I remember in 33 years of my life not wanting to get out of bed because of an inability to face the day. This is NOT who I am. I was making coffee in the kitchen and I went back to my room and wrote this:

I have made a terrible mistake. I love to travel, love to learn new cultures, and love to help other people. But, I hate talking to strangers, I hate "bothering" people, and I hate not knowing what is happening next. I am not cut out for this. It is not who I am. I am the person who works with a project group, designing a project with a community to engage them in bettering their community. I am the person who sits to the side, analyzes the needs of a group upon their asking and provides feedback. I am the person who liked being a director because it meant I was far less on the frontlines with the students. Holy Shit. What have I done? I do not belong here. I don't. It is not about being bored and uncomfortable. It is about not WANTING to spend 6 months developing nothing but relationships to MAYBE see if I can do something here.

So I finished writing that and then realized that every time the past few days that I had said to a fellow volunteer or had thought "I will give it until Thanksgiving" the VERY next thought has been "and then I can go home." This, I finally owned, and realized was a very strong message I had not been listening to.

So called my parents and asked them to call me back right away instead of waiting till 8 p.m. when we had a call scheduled. I cried waiting for the phone to ring and cried worse on the phone with them for almost an hour. They were totally objective, and then my mom said "Karen, you didn´t call us to talk this through with us. You called to tell us you have made a decision already." Insightful woman, my mother. Always has been.

And that is what I am doing. That other woman who almost did not swear in is also going to ET this week. If you quit the Peace Corps, they are supposed to have you on a flight home as soon as possible, so I will be touching down in Boston very soon.

I cannot blame the Peace Corps for this entirely. I definitely have some gripes, including the fact that they put us in a Municipal Project group and placed us in site literally one week after the current mayors had to resign for 3 months in order to run again. And, because it is epoca de elecciones, there is nothing going on with the Muni until after the elections November 19. And, if the mayor changes, there will be more uncertainty until he is settled in. This is the case in my Muni. And, nobody knows why I am there. Someone should be a stronger contact for me. Someone who knows why I am there to work and what specifically is the need for the town. There are three goals of the Municipal Development Project, and I would not be able to begin to meet them for at least 6 months, perhaps longer. During this time, I could give presentations in the high school, or sew with the Taller, or teach English, but none of these are things I came to do, and none of those things are sustainable development in which the people of the town create for themselves.

However, I romanticized this. I thought, oh, I can go live somewhere else AND make a difference. I thought the small things would be enough. Apparently not. If I was 23 or 25 and hadn´t lived abroad before, perhaps this would be different. I don´t know, and I never will. I wanted so badly to become fluent in Spanish, but even that desire isn´t enough to keep me here, another sign I´m listening to. And, I've learned something. I don't want to live abroad right now (perhaps not again) but I will still be a tourist, for sure. And, I don't want to be an island. In retrospect, in all my adventures, I've never been alone for very long. It doesn't suit me.
I was so genuine in my intents and so genuine during training. This has surprised me. But, as Maggie's dad told her during a phone call this week, "Sometimes we plan and then our plans change, and it just IS." What a strong truth. Estoy de acuerdo. (I agree.)

FAQs:

1. No, I have not given it enough time to truly know, TRULY, if I am making the right decision. I could be missing out on something great and I could be annoyed with my simple little life again in the US. I could be missing the opportunity to make a very real difference here. But, I don´t care enough about that to stay. That is a strong truth.

2. Yes, I have considered that this is out and out quitting; reneging on a "contract" I made with myself, the PC and the people of this town. I am not a quitter. There is a first time for everything, supongo (I guess). And right now, the desire to NOT waste 6 months or 2 years of my life and my time with family and friends and the possibility of doing good work at home, too far outweighs the rest of it. I can say that sin verguenza (without embarrassment).

3. No, this is not completely because there is NOTHING to do here right now. That is part of it. But in order to do development work, one needs to cultivate relationships. And in order to do that genuinely, one needs to WANT to get out of bed and be invigorated with the thought of meeting someone new today. I do not have that. And, the idea that a very small change in a town, or one or two presentations to the youth is enough has to be present. Right now, when I weigh the value of that against the value of me being home with my family and friends and not "missing" two years of my life, there is NO comparison.

4. No, I am not completey sure how I will answer those who ask, especially potential employers, why I quit the PC. I think I will say that the work wasn´t for me and the sacrifice of 2 years of my life at this point in where I am in my life wasnt clear to me until I got there and then I decided it was not worth it to me. Or I will say - It wasnt right for me. I made a mistake. And I will move on, I guess.

I was up half the night Sunday night, hasta dos o tres, thinking. I couldnt turn it off. I had made the decision Sunday afternoon for sure, and had told the other members of my group and everything via text message. I had even talked to a few of them who were really surprised, yet supportive. Because I'm Karen, the thoughts started swirling. What am I going to do for work? I have no car! The money I have will run out. I am appearing to everyone, including myself, like a nutcase who can´t just settle into a life for herself but instead bounces from thing to thing like someone with an alcohol problem. :) (okay, i just made that last one up.) Anyway, you know the drill. I was 99.9% sure, and the other .1% kept me up half the night. But then I woke up this morning, and my first thought wasnt to cry or to think, I need to go home! It was instead, "I am going home. It will be okay."

I couldn´t leave this country without first visiting my host family in Itá and telling them in person that I am going, especailly Alé, the 10 year old. Because of the swiftness of the process with the PC, I may not have been able to do that if I told them Monday. So, I stayed in site until early Wednesday a.m. which gave me time to tell people there that I was leaving and pack. Then I went Wednesday to Itá and met up there with Maggie, the other woman who is ETing. We spent the night with our Itá families, which was lovely. They asked all the right questions and listened to my answers and spent a lovely night with me eating awesome homemade pizza. Ale and I played some last mintue games of Uno and I gave her a photo of the group in a frame to remember me.

Right now, I'm in Asuncion and I just told PC that I'm going home. This plan also allowed some of our group, G21, to make it to the city to say goodbye. We had to visit the medical lab and give poop and pee and blood so the US government can be sure we didn't contract anything crazy here. Tomorrow morning, we have to get physicals with the doctor and do some more paperwork stuff. We also have to give back the money we haven't used, plus some, actually, since they pro-rate stuff. Long story. Then we get a ticket home (we'll know when either this afternoon or tomorrow) and we will either be on a plane Saturday night, Sunday morning or Monday at the worst.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and wicked support. If I wanted to stay here, your words of encouragement would have done the trick! I really hope you can support my decision as much as possible without thinking I suck. I have judged people in the past for not giving things enough time. I will never do that again.

I am looking forward to seeing many of you and talking to you. Last night before I fell asleep, I realized that to my list of identity characteristics, I have just added "Peace Corps Quitter." How weird. I will learn from this, as I have from everything else I have done. No doubt.

I will post again after I've finished this journey of leaving the PC. Even this is an adventure. Stool samples aren't easy to give! Especially in the middle of the day when one has already had a satisfying poop that morning...coffee does the trick! :) And it poured rain this morning as we were lugging our bags onto a local bus on the street in Ita. It just never ends. There will be more to this story, I'm sure, before my feet are on US soil once again.

If anyone has a car or a job for sale, shoot me an email! :) Hasta.

¿Que estoy pasando?

What am I doing?

I have no idea. I arrived in Santa Maria on Tuesday at 4:30 on the direct bus from Asunción. It was a totally uneventful trip. I took a taxi from the Peace Corps office to the terminal where I sat and talked to an English-speaking Parguayan guy who had studied in Bolivia, ate some lunch, had my shoes shined by a shoe-shine boy and finally boarded the bus at about noon. I had met the driver during my last trip to Santa Maria, so I was all set.

Once I arrived, I walked the 1/2 block to my new home, the casa de Ña Není. This 61 year old retired teacher lives alone in a rather large, rather nice home and I moved into the spare bedroom. It´s a great room, actually, and I settled in right away. I went over to talk with Deybi and Ña Eva, who I stayed with last trip and said hello and they said welcome and all that.

On my way back home, I stopped to talk to Prota and drink some terere with her outside her store. I met her the last time I was here, and she looks so much like Paula McHale it´s scary, for those of you know know Paula. Anyway, I chatted with her and then went home for dinner. I went to bed early that night, for sure.

I went to the Muni the next day. Nobody really knows what to do with me there. The Intendente, or Mayor (which, funnily enough, means ¨janitor¨in Spanish in Mexico) had to quit last week because he is running for re-election. Rules say, you have to quit three months before the election. Someone from the city council stands in for you until the election. This basically means that the person who brought me here isn´t there anymore. My situation is better than some, though, because some of my group already know their mayor lost the primaries. Anyway, I´ve been to the Muni three days this week for an hour or two each time and I sort of talk to people and say hello and sit around, but I don´t really know why. For someone like me, this feels really really weird. But then again, if I was a rural health worker somewhere, it would be even less clear, I guess.

It is my goal to meet at least one new person and talk with them each day. So far, I´ve accomplished that. I met Prota the first day and talked with her (and that was only a little piece of a day). I met Cayetana, who is the link between Hays, Kansas and Santa Maria. They are sister cities and there is an organization in Asunción called Comité Kansas-Paraguay. I´ve not got the entire story on what the deal is with this, but it´s interesting. She´s interesting. She has visited Kansas a couple of times.

I met Candalaria, who took me home to her house after sewing with the Women´s Taller one day for terere. She is hosting Molly, an English 60-something woman who has been here 3 months teaching English. I then met Molly, who is interesting and kind and who has worse Spanish than I do. We talked only in Spanish, though, since we were there with Candalaria. I think she was getting a kick out of our bad Spanish. I visited Molly´s class the next morning with three students who have been studying English for a while. They all speak English quite well, actually. I was impressed. One of them is a teacher for adults at a night school and he teaches Molly Spanish 5 hours a week. I think on Monday, I´m going to talk to him about taking me on, too.

I met Patti, who works at the Muni and is very young. She´s married and has a 3 year old and she was really nice. We talked a lot the first day.

I met Vicenta today. She works in the Muni, at Margaret´s house (the other British woman who has lived in Santa Maria for 6 years now) and has another job too. She´s involved with the youth church group and invited me to their big event on September 2 with the youth from 3 other towns nearby. Since I think I want to work with youth here, I should probably go, but these young people are already involved and I want to capture the ones who aren´t yet. Vamos a ver.

Yesterday afternoon, I talked with the Intendente about my work and what he wanted me to do and asked about my ¨birth story¨or why I am here. He talked about wanting me to meet the people, learn about the town, get to know everyone and that the work would come later, after elections. He asked me what my big bosses at the Peace Corps want me to have done after 2 years here. I said that they want me to understand more about Paraguay and to bring that knowledge back to the people of the United States. They also want me to have helped the people of Paraguay and for the people to have learned about the US. These are the three metas (goals) of the PC, I told him. He was glad to hear it. He said that I have information that can help them and that they want to understand more about the US. He is very tranquillo. After I talked with him, I felt better. Someone local had given me permission to just talk with folks, figure out who people are and let people get to know me. My trainers had said this, but to hear it from my local contact felt legitimizing.

I am right now in San Ignacio, the big town close to me. I have walked around some and tried to figure out what is available to me in the way of goods and services. There are a few furniture stores and some other larger stores with good stuff for when I have my own place.

I haven´t mentioned it yet, but here, people follow you around the store when you are looking. Seriously follow you, very very close behind you, like less than a step behind. I have to shake my hatred of this. It brings up feelings from home about who gets followed and why and from when I was followed when I was younger or dressed dodgily in college. Here it is just normal practice.

I am pretty confused and pretty lonely. I know that for the first 3 months I am supposed to make friends, get to know people, learn the town, and basically build trust and credibility. But man does three months feel like a long time to do ¨nothing¨. Even though it isn´t nothing, it sort of feels like it. I have been in good touch via text message with my friends from my training group, and many of them are feeling the same. I am really hoping it passes, because right now, this feeling is a bit overwhelming.

This is for sure the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down. I cannot imagine what would be harder than this. I have just rocked up in a town all by myself and now I have to figure out what my work is and how I can help people to BE more. How will I do this? I have never had fewer answers in my life or felt more clueless. I am not in total dispair, but I feel on the brink every now and then. This is what it is SUPPOSED to be like, I know. That is what is getting me through.

More in a week or so. I´m recording in my planner what I do each day and how I feel each day, so I won´t forget later when I´m astoundingly happy how hard the first days were. :)

Love. Missing.

Un fin de semana en Asuncion

This has just been like a little vacation. These are some things I've done between Friday after swearing in and Tuesday morning right before heading out to site to really begin living in Paraguay.

-- Eaten a proper chef salad.

-- Seen "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in English in a proper movie theatre.

-- Eaten a brownie a la mode.

-- Watched the Yankees masacre the Red Sox in the top of the 10th with a three run homer on ESPN.

-- Had hot water run out of the sink tap in the hotel!

-- Eaten chinese food.

-- Sat in a sidewalk cafe drinking cappucino.

-- Printed a few shots from my digital camera memory card.

-- Watched the sunset from the roof of the hotel.

-- Played MAFIA with my group of volunteers. (A game that I have always played with student leaders where I've worked.)

-- Walked all over downtown Asuncion and gotten to know it.

-- Had beer spilled all over me.

-- Went to a British pub.

-- Spoken almost exclusively English except when ordering food or talking with a vendor/business person.

It's been a great "last" weekend. It's been a bit of a teary goodbye. I feel ready to go, and scared at the same time. I've been gone from the States for almost exactly 3 months, yet my real life and work in Paraguay will begin this afternoon.

Stay with me. I think there's a lot to come.

...so help me...

Well, I swore in! I repeated after the American ambassador to Paraguay and swore to uphold the consititution of the United States, guard against enemies foreign and domestic and do my duty to the best of my ability. I ended the oath with "So help me..." and dropped the "God" off the end (as did many of my fellow trainees) in an attempt to keep church and state separate. What is up with our oaths, anyway? Bibles, God, huh?

The ceremony was at the Ambassador's residence on the grounds of the U.S. Embassy here in Asuncion, which is a huge embassy because they ran Operation Condor out of here in the 70s. The residence is lovely with a huge back yard. There is a big patio in the front with a cute waterfall and trees. All over the grounds are trees with little signs saying what type of tree it is like an aboretum. There's a long, winding driveway that runs past the main offices after you pass through the gate off the main drag, Avendida Mariscal Lopez. The plaque on the gate says "Embassy of the United States of America -- 1776" as you drive in. There is a swimming pool along the drive which is open for our use whenever we want to use it (score!).

Before the ceremony, I went to use the bathroom. There were these little soaps wrapped in cellophane. I thought, Ooh, I can steal a soap from the Ambassador's residence as a little momento. But as I put it in my purse, I said outloud, There's prolly a camera in here... and smiled and put it back. Last thing I need to for the Embassy to know I steal soap. That's a great image of the Peace Corps. Or, on second thought, maybe they would increase our budget if they knew we needed to steal soap!

We were greeted by the Country Director Michael and then the Ambassador, who gave a really informative speech about what the U.S. projects and interests are here in Paraguay and then how we fit into that. It was actually awesome. Then, after he swore us in, one of my fellow volunteers (no longer trainees) addressed us as well. He did a great job. Then we went out back for lots of food and the best damn cake I ever ate.

Afterwards, we had to come back to the Peace Corps Office, which is about a 10 minute walk from the Embassy. We had to walk because there wasn't room for rides like there was on the way there. As we were walking, all the staff were driving by us and laughing. We created a little human barrier in the drive to not let our main boss by, and he just laughed. Then our trainer, Rob, drove by and said, Spell this! C-A-T-T-L-E! (We've been in such group think mode for 3 months, we are like cattle.) The next van that went by fits 14 people and only Richard and Lisa, our two head trainers were in it. They made the mistake of slowing down...we opened the sliding door and all piled in while they were saying, No, we can't take you because of liability! Whatever. We totally staged a coup and took over the van. They drove us back, and when we passed the other volunteers on the street, we yelled SUCKERS!, met by their incredulous looks -- and that was worth the whole thing.

Once back at the PC Office, we had to pick up our bank cards (our salaries are deposited once a month into the bank and then we go cobrar (collect) at an ATM close to our sites -- mine is only 30 min away by bus). Then we had to sign our official PC IDs and put in our requests for our cell phones. I'll get my ID and phone in another month or so, the next time I come into Asuncion.

We checked into the hotel, the Asuncion Palace, which is old and very very cool. The last time I stayed in town for the 4th of July, we stayed at the Alpes, which is also nice, but different. This place is OLD. I really like it. We have these cool wooden lourve doors off our room out to a balcony and we can see the river and the sun set last night was AMAZING. It's nice to be in a hotel for a few nights before heading out to site. We get special PC price, so for a triple room, it is 45,000G per night, or about $8. No clue how much it is for normal people, but not that much more than that and it includes breakfast.

Last night, we went to the Britannia Pub, a very cool British Pub in Asuncion, which felt like it wasn't in Paraguay. We had a good time, and Brandon and I left around 11:30, much earlier than everyone else. I have a head cold and didn't feel like drinking. Brandon is 22 and doesn't drink and so I knew he was my ticket back to the hotel to walk together. (After dark, not safe to walk alone - lo mismo de en EEUU (the same as in the States).) Others were pretty celebratory, to put it mildly. Hee hee.

We are all over the place because many of us still don't feel like it is completely real yet and others are just ready to GO! I am getting more excited now to go back to my site and start up the next 2 years of my life, doing good work with Paraguayans for their community.

So, I am unable to post photos from the ceremony because I have packed away my cord for my phone in god knows what bag. We had to prepare to leave Ita by packing everything and then knowing which things were going where. Each of us is getting a site-visit in the next two months by our boss to officially present us to our community. Mine isn't until October 5. So, that means, whatever I don't take with me to site on Tuesday is going to be delivered to me on October 5, six weeks from now! Augh. I only packed essentials to bring here in the first place, really, and everything only weighed 68 pounds when I checked onto the plane in Miami. BUT, I have received about a hundred different manuals and books, a mosquito net in a bag, a first aid kit in a little mini briefcase thing, and tons of other stuff. I have bought a full-size bed pillow, an amazing hand weaved blanket, and an extra pair of shoes (in Miami). What to do?

I bought a typical Paraguayan market bag. They are made of a strong plastic, and have a zip on top. I bought the large one, which is about 3 feet tall by about 8 inches wide, and when you fill it, it stands on its own. They are actually a really good investment. It's full-up! I am going to lug my big backpack and the enormo duffel I borrowed from my brother to site with me. I'm pretty pleased the way it worked out, except that my phone cord is in long term storage right now until Tuesday morning, so, no photos!

Guarani: Che micro oseta 11:30 martespe. Che aguaheta Santa Mariape tardeve martespe. Che avy'a Paraguaipe. Espanol: Mi micro va a salir a las 11:30 el Martes. Voy a llegar en Santa Maria el Martes por la tarde. Estoy contenta en Paraguay. English: My bus will leave at 11:30 on Tuesday. I will arrive in Santa Maria on Tuesday afternoon. I am happy in Paraguay.

I am having lunch today with my new good friend Jenny Spencer. She is a Muni volunteer as well and is from Ohio. She went to the Kennedy School of Government and is one year ahead of me (my sister group). She is here in Asuncion to talk to her mom on the phone, which she is doing right now. Then we are going to the BOLSI for lunch, which is a little slice of heaven in downtown Asuncion. It's a GORGEOUS day out. The weather turned on Saturday from 100 degrees down to about 60 and we've had some rain, but mostly sun and cool weather ever since. I'm milking it for all it's worth before it gets ungodly hot again and I melt. If I make it through the first January here with the heat, I'll make it my whole two years without question.

Oh jeez! I almost forgot. Strossner died! He was the dictator here for 35 years. He has been in exile in Brazil since 1989 when his regime was overthrown. There was an article in the NYTimes this week. Here's the link:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/16/world/americas/16cnd-stroessner.html?ex=1313380800&en=ed9da4578ae53841&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
Many Paraguayans believe that they were "better off" under Strossner because there were "no ladrones y podemos dormir afuera y no necesitamos llevear nuestras casas" (no theives and we could sleep outside and we didn't need to lock our houses). All of that was true, but here were alot a lot of problems with how to he kept that state in place. Democracy is VERY young here and it is a long, slow haul. I can't believe I'm here and can make a difference in that process.

Mayoral elections take place in November, and the Presidential elections here will happen in 2008, so these two years are very important. It's a gift, really, to be here now. I hope I can continue to see it that way and not get bogged down in the difficulty of it. It is amazing how much we take democracy for granted (even though we clearly don't do it entirely right -- although we THINK we do!).

I'm off to site on Tuesday. I will keep the student leaders around the US in my thoughts as you all prepare for another group of first-years to arrive. I will keep the college administrators in my thoughts too, as you too, greet another group of millenials to your campuses! To the public school teachers and guidence counselors in my life: enjoy another opening! To those who work on a calendar year: keep on keepin' on, I guess. :)

Those who can, do me this favor: Remind the students to think about their civic rights and why it's amazing they are American. Engage them in discussions about the elections in November and how important they are even if they can't vote yet. Remind them they can influence their own country and in other parts of the world (Paraguay) that this is NOT a given. (Those who don't work with students could do the same thing with those around you, even though you'll prolly be seen as a nutcase!)

I'm not meaning to preach, but on the eve of my departure to the "campo" of Paraguay, to live and work with people trying hard to make their local government work and get roads that aren't dirt and help the people in their community be able to make ends meet, I can't help but think of home and how we live and what we sometimes take for granted. And anyone reading this has the ability to remind people how lucky we are.

I'm feeling really philosophical, and reflective as I head out to my new home. Ojala (I hope) that everything will be fine. I think it will. Until next time...

all the primos (cousins) in my family in Itá.
my grupo de aspirates... group of trainees in asuncion during 4th of july weekend.
the beautiful huerta de la familia de kyle...the gorgeous fields of kyle´s family (a trainee)
my sewing project with the taller in santa maria...they are keeping it for me to finish!
the amazing Paraguayan sky!
me, trying my hand at hand weaving in Carapegua. Amazingly hard.
Hay monos en mi plaza en Santa Maria....There are monkey on my Plaza in Santa Maria!
And a salon named after me in Asuncion!

Podemos ir en paz...

We can go in peace.

This, my loyal readers, was the only phrase I was totally sure of during the entire Mass I attended Sunday night in Santa Maria. En serio -- really. I decided to go for two reasons, first because Demetria, one of the women here who was trying to find me a place to live asked me to go (she´s the church secretary) and two because I like going to mass in different languages (i once went in Vietnam, too). Well, different language is definitely the way to describe it, because the whole thing almost was in Guarani. I am seriously doubting the idea that I could EVER become fluent in Guarani. I´m worried enough about Spanish, but I must try to learn it because everyone here uses it.

Speaking of crazy language stuff, early morning Sunday, the 19-year-old I shared a room with this week was trying to get dressed in the pitch dark. I woke from a sleep and said to her, in ENGLISH ¨Patricia, turn on the light if you want.¨She turned around and said, ¨¿Que? And, I, still half asleep, was able to say "Aprender la luz si vos queres.¨Then I rolled over and went back to sleep. I still can´t believe the whole thing happened. It was pretty funny.

I´m totally overwhelmed. I´m exhausted from speaking nothing but Spanish for a week and I´m totally doubting my ability to make a difference here for one and for two, whether they really need me. Santa Maria is pretty on top of things. I don´t really have an official ¨counterpart¨because the guy who came to the big Peace Corps meeting and took me back to Sta. Maria is the Mayor´s nephew and doesn´t even work at the Muni. He isn´t really involved in anything, but is the husband of the Secretary of the Catastro (housing tax system) and a member of a very prominent family in town. He´s was really really nice to me. The family overall is great, even though I truly believe the dad thinks I´m stupid.

I find the men especially to not really have time for me because I can´t speak well. I think it is a worldwide thing to jump to the conclusion that because someone can´t speak the language well, it means they are stupid. The next time you talk to someone with a really thick accent or who clearly doesn´t have a lot of English, think of me! I´m the equivelent of that here in Paraguay, trying my damnedest to get ideas out of my head and through my mouth. And, desperately trying to understand what´s being said around me. It´s tough.

I figured out where I´m going to live. There´s a retired teacher who is 61. She has a great house and she lives alone. Her three daughters live elsewhere studying and working and she and her husband are separated. She has a great bedroom for me with a bed, table and chairs, armoire, armchair, fan and mosquito net. The door locks and so does the armoire. Her kitchen and bathroom are reallynice and she has hot water. I can use her kitchen and fridge and she´ll cook too. There´s a young English girl in Santa Maria (no clue why she´s leaving this month to go back home to college) and she lived with this woman for her first 2 months as well. I´m going to pay 300,000Gs a month, about $50 or 25% of my pay.

AND, there´s this great house that´s empty, too, right on the plaza, across from the police station and centro de salud (hospital) that´s for rent. The woman who owns it lives in San Ignacio, but she has a representiva in town who already has heard I´m interested. I can´t live alone till October, so we´ll see.

I´m totally fluctuating between excitement and fear. I questioned Sunday night for the first timein a while what the hell I´m doing here. Sometimes I think I know and other times I want Starbucks and a chat with someone who knows me.

I´m glad to be back in Itá today, I missed it. But that´s not good, though, because I´m tired already of missing things and I only have 2 weeks left here with the Cordes Lopez family. I´m going to miss them when I go. I´m sure Santa Maria will also feel like home soon enough and I´ll figure out a routine and a way to work. And, maybe I´ll plant a garden, definitely talk with neighbors, drink terere until I´m shaking from the caffeine yet thoroughly hydrated. Perhaps work with a new committee to plan a Comedor por Niños Pobres: a place for poor kids to have a healthy daily meal. This idea was already mentioned to me by Ña Eva, the mom in the family I stayed with, the Mayor´s sister.

We´ll see. What I know is this:

--The view in Santa Maria is gorgeous. There are cerros (hills) in the distance and lots of trees and it´s muy tranquillo - literal silence sometimes.

--There are monkeys who live in the trees on the Plaza. Someone brought 2 and now there are 8. They will literally come and take the bread from your hands. Amazing.

--I can talk to strangers. I can say ¨Soy voluntaria de Cuerpo de Paz. ¨¿Conoces Cuerpo de Paz? all day long.

--A three year old told me the reason I don´t have a novio (boyfriend) is because I´m too tall. Nice. Another three year old asked her mom why I talk funny.

--It is going to be very hard not to ride on a motorbike. This rule of Peace Corps worldwide, if broken, sends you right back to the States without passing GO or collecting $200. Everyone in Santa Maria has one and lots are the same type I owned in Thailand. I can get a free bicycle from CdP, which I´m going to do, pronto. It´s already killing me I can never accept a ride.

--I´m still happy. Questioning and doubting, but still happy. No te preocupes. (Don´t you worry.)

This week is crazy busy and next is my last week in Itá, but I´ll be back to write more before I move my life south to the tiny tranquillo town of Santa Maria, which will be my home and my work for 2 years.

Much love and missing. (tried for 20 minutes and totally annoyed the nice guy in the internet cafe and still couldn´t upload any photos! sorry peeps!)

Hola de Santa Maria de Fe

Hola, todos!

I have so much to say and no clue how to get it all down. I have only been here for 2 days and cannot believe how much I have already done. (I cannot find the apostrophe on this keyboard, hence the use of non-contracted words.)

Anyway, this place is muy tranquillo! I love it so far. The Intendente (Mayor) and the Funcionarios (Muni employees) seem great. I hung out there yesterday for only a ratito (short time) and again this morning for a few hours. Talked with some folks about their work and the like. I met the Director of the Colegio (high school) and we talked about me working with the students there. There is a need here for work with jovenes (the teenagers) because there is not much to do here. Right up my alley.

There is also this amazing Taller de Mujeres (workshop of women) here. They aplique by hand and then sew with machines these great stuff. Bags, potholders, key chains, tshirts, etc with scenes of Paraguay on them. They work every day from 7a to 10a and again from 1p to 4p. There are about 20 of them and they are GREAT. All ages. I just waltzed in, introduced myself and they handed me a scene to coser (sew). I have worked on it both days and since I am leaving Monday, they are keeping it for me so I can finish it at the end of August when I arrive back. I will NEVER be bored here as I can always go work in the Taller and have good chats with the women. They are already teaching me Guarani and were impressed with my rudimentary abilities. And, they are already looking for a boyfriend for me, por supuesto (of course!). In turn, I am making fun of their need for everyone to have a boyfriend. One woman, Demetria, took me home today to drink terere with her family and her daughter then took me to a volleyball game but I had to head home because it was getting dark.

Tomorrow I am going to visit the museum and then talk more with Demetria about where the heck I am going to live when I get here. I have to find my own family with whom to live for the first two months. Kinda a pain, actually.

There is more, but I am going to sign off now because I am having problems with Yahoo and have to figure out how to tell people this post is up. Hee hee.

Much love and missing and happiness in what will be my new home. Photos to follow when I get back to Ita.