¿Que estoy pasando?

What am I doing?

I have no idea. I arrived in Santa Maria on Tuesday at 4:30 on the direct bus from Asunción. It was a totally uneventful trip. I took a taxi from the Peace Corps office to the terminal where I sat and talked to an English-speaking Parguayan guy who had studied in Bolivia, ate some lunch, had my shoes shined by a shoe-shine boy and finally boarded the bus at about noon. I had met the driver during my last trip to Santa Maria, so I was all set.

Once I arrived, I walked the 1/2 block to my new home, the casa de Ña Není. This 61 year old retired teacher lives alone in a rather large, rather nice home and I moved into the spare bedroom. It´s a great room, actually, and I settled in right away. I went over to talk with Deybi and Ña Eva, who I stayed with last trip and said hello and they said welcome and all that.

On my way back home, I stopped to talk to Prota and drink some terere with her outside her store. I met her the last time I was here, and she looks so much like Paula McHale it´s scary, for those of you know know Paula. Anyway, I chatted with her and then went home for dinner. I went to bed early that night, for sure.

I went to the Muni the next day. Nobody really knows what to do with me there. The Intendente, or Mayor (which, funnily enough, means ¨janitor¨in Spanish in Mexico) had to quit last week because he is running for re-election. Rules say, you have to quit three months before the election. Someone from the city council stands in for you until the election. This basically means that the person who brought me here isn´t there anymore. My situation is better than some, though, because some of my group already know their mayor lost the primaries. Anyway, I´ve been to the Muni three days this week for an hour or two each time and I sort of talk to people and say hello and sit around, but I don´t really know why. For someone like me, this feels really really weird. But then again, if I was a rural health worker somewhere, it would be even less clear, I guess.

It is my goal to meet at least one new person and talk with them each day. So far, I´ve accomplished that. I met Prota the first day and talked with her (and that was only a little piece of a day). I met Cayetana, who is the link between Hays, Kansas and Santa Maria. They are sister cities and there is an organization in Asunción called Comité Kansas-Paraguay. I´ve not got the entire story on what the deal is with this, but it´s interesting. She´s interesting. She has visited Kansas a couple of times.

I met Candalaria, who took me home to her house after sewing with the Women´s Taller one day for terere. She is hosting Molly, an English 60-something woman who has been here 3 months teaching English. I then met Molly, who is interesting and kind and who has worse Spanish than I do. We talked only in Spanish, though, since we were there with Candalaria. I think she was getting a kick out of our bad Spanish. I visited Molly´s class the next morning with three students who have been studying English for a while. They all speak English quite well, actually. I was impressed. One of them is a teacher for adults at a night school and he teaches Molly Spanish 5 hours a week. I think on Monday, I´m going to talk to him about taking me on, too.

I met Patti, who works at the Muni and is very young. She´s married and has a 3 year old and she was really nice. We talked a lot the first day.

I met Vicenta today. She works in the Muni, at Margaret´s house (the other British woman who has lived in Santa Maria for 6 years now) and has another job too. She´s involved with the youth church group and invited me to their big event on September 2 with the youth from 3 other towns nearby. Since I think I want to work with youth here, I should probably go, but these young people are already involved and I want to capture the ones who aren´t yet. Vamos a ver.

Yesterday afternoon, I talked with the Intendente about my work and what he wanted me to do and asked about my ¨birth story¨or why I am here. He talked about wanting me to meet the people, learn about the town, get to know everyone and that the work would come later, after elections. He asked me what my big bosses at the Peace Corps want me to have done after 2 years here. I said that they want me to understand more about Paraguay and to bring that knowledge back to the people of the United States. They also want me to have helped the people of Paraguay and for the people to have learned about the US. These are the three metas (goals) of the PC, I told him. He was glad to hear it. He said that I have information that can help them and that they want to understand more about the US. He is very tranquillo. After I talked with him, I felt better. Someone local had given me permission to just talk with folks, figure out who people are and let people get to know me. My trainers had said this, but to hear it from my local contact felt legitimizing.

I am right now in San Ignacio, the big town close to me. I have walked around some and tried to figure out what is available to me in the way of goods and services. There are a few furniture stores and some other larger stores with good stuff for when I have my own place.

I haven´t mentioned it yet, but here, people follow you around the store when you are looking. Seriously follow you, very very close behind you, like less than a step behind. I have to shake my hatred of this. It brings up feelings from home about who gets followed and why and from when I was followed when I was younger or dressed dodgily in college. Here it is just normal practice.

I am pretty confused and pretty lonely. I know that for the first 3 months I am supposed to make friends, get to know people, learn the town, and basically build trust and credibility. But man does three months feel like a long time to do ¨nothing¨. Even though it isn´t nothing, it sort of feels like it. I have been in good touch via text message with my friends from my training group, and many of them are feeling the same. I am really hoping it passes, because right now, this feeling is a bit overwhelming.

This is for sure the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down. I cannot imagine what would be harder than this. I have just rocked up in a town all by myself and now I have to figure out what my work is and how I can help people to BE more. How will I do this? I have never had fewer answers in my life or felt more clueless. I am not in total dispair, but I feel on the brink every now and then. This is what it is SUPPOSED to be like, I know. That is what is getting me through.

More in a week or so. I´m recording in my planner what I do each day and how I feel each day, so I won´t forget later when I´m astoundingly happy how hard the first days were. :)

Love. Missing.